From Demolition to Reconstruction

     This has been a hard year for me, for us.  And it's only freaking March!!!  Well the year is gonna get harder for me, for us.  My best friend, Ashley June, recently wrote a quote on my facebook wall: "The will of God will not take you where the grace of God cannot protect you."  I have to remember that everyday, at least once a day.

     If you ask people what their biggest fear is, it's probably a fear of heights, spiders, etc.  And people will flip their shit if you try to make them overcome their fear.  It's a horrible thing to watch.  This person is crying, screaming, running, and begging you to make it all go away.  Funny thing about the things you fear: They are the things that also fascinate and educate.  Take sharks for example... fearsome creature and yet people will watch shark week or go to the Aquarium and see them with only a few inches of glass between them!  For some reason, thinking about that reminds me of Deep Blue Sea, so maybe no aquarium for me- lol! A few weeks ago, my biggest fear was recognized.  At this point, I'm going to ask that you have a hanky handy- because it will make you cry...
     Since I was 15, there has been one thing that has scared me so much (other than clowns) that I quiver at the very word: CANCER.  When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.  Now, my mom is the strongest woman I know, but this is a word that my mom can no longer say.  She calls it the "C word."  When she says this, I always revert back to Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort.  "He who must not be named" was called that more than he was called Voldemort!!!!  Here lately, my mom and I have had to talk about the "C word" a lot. 
     Last year, I felt a lump on my breast.  I went to the Dr., got a mammogram, and an ultrasound and was given a clean bill of health! (whew!)  I asked if I could have a BRCA test done.  The Dr. said that it wasn't logical for me to get it just because my mom had it.  But since my mom had already had cancer, she could get it.  When I heard about this test I was very uneducated.  I thought it just gave you a ratio of your chance of cancer in your lifetime.  I even thought it could give you a year when you would get it.  So my mom got the test done.  For a while it was an "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing.  Then one day, my mom called, said she needed to come and talk to me and Nick.  Honestly, the only thing that I could possibly think of that she would want to talk to us about is Graham's daycare.  It amazes me that even though I'm an adult, I still think like a child when it comes to my mom.  She came in and said that she tested positive for BRCA 2.  That did not register at all.
     Imagine, if you will, what it felt like to hear this and all the things that were racing through my head- the only thing I could think of was the day she told me she had cancer.  I was sitting on the couch; she was standing up.  It all happened so fast.  We had just got back from vacation- everything was great.  Shortly after that time my mom had to undergo a radical mastectomy.  She was so weak and in so much pain.  after that, it was radiation, chemo and medication.  I can still remember the day she lost her hair.  It was all in the bathroom trash can.  She cried so hard over it.  To me, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  My mom endured all of that plus an out of control teen.
     I was not the best daughter to her then, but I knew that I was older this time and I was gonna get her through this.  Her oncologist advised her to get a simple mastectomy- IMMEDIATELY.  For every year that a BRCA 2 positive person is cancer free, their risk increases. (This is after their initial battle w/ cancer and then pronounced "cured".)  My grandparents had to hear my mom cry so much more than I realized.  They had to hear her fears of not seeing her daughter grow up.  My grandparents are now gone and it's my turn to hear the fears.  I honestly couldn't tell you which of us felt more helpless- the parent listening to the child's fears or the child listening to the parent's fears.  I have not yet had the displeasure of hearing my children's fears so maybe one day I'll know which one makes me feel more helpless.
     It is hard to be positive when you are so scared and so angry.  I was angry that my mom had to once again fight this demon.  My mom told me that if it wasn't for me feeling that lump and asking the dr. about the test, that she may have actually gotten the cancer again and might not have been able to beat it- she called me her hero.  When they did the mastectomy, they reviewed the tissue and determined that there were no signs of cancer!!!!!  GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST!!!
     I advise all of you to call your moms and tell them how they make you feel.  Spend time with those you love.  Make time to make that phone call just to say hi.  We go through this life thinking that we are immortals and everyone we love and know are the same.  Well, I have news for you:  Cancer does not take the day off.  In the beginning of all this i mentioned that i was uneducated in said fear and I am now pleased to inform you that I have received my masters in BRCA 2.  There is a lot to explain about it but I'll sum it up...
     There are 2 types of cancers: environmental and hereditary.  When you test positive for it, it means that it's hereditary.  So at that point it's not a question of "if" but rather "when?"  My mom will always be so strong to me- even if right now I have to see her weak.  My mom has always had my back and it feels good to finally return the favor. 
So I hope no one cried too hard and I hope you continue to read.  This is just part of my journey to becoming a better woman, daughter, wife, parent, and friend.  Stay tuned....