"You can sleep when you're dead." 

     I'm gonna get funny on y'all right now.  I am tired; no, wait, EXHAUSTED.  That, too, is probably an understatement.  It occurred to me that said exhaustion has been around since August 31st, of 2007.  Yep that long.  That's when I found out I was pregnant w/ Graham.  First I couldn't sleep because of morning sickness.  Then it was because I had to pee all the time.  Nick told me, then, that if I wanted to wear diapers to bed he'd be okay w/ it.  Okay, first off, EWWWW. Secondly, I would've still woke up in order to choose to pee on myself.  And finally, I would forever be the girl that peed in a diaper. lol.
     Finally, after 21 hours of labor, out came Graham.  He was not a very good sleeper.  After he hit a year he slept through the night, but would go to sleep late and wake up early.  So it was just enough for one REM cycle.  Then I got pregnant w/ Lane and there it went all over again!  When Lane was born, i was already used to lack of sleep much better than I was w/ Graham, so it seemed effortless.  I was still able to have one REM cycle a night.
     What I want, what I really REALLY want, is one of those nothing can wake you sleeps.  The kind where a bomb could go off and you'd never know.  Now, not so much.  Now, a pin could drop in this house and I am wide awake.  Nick, despite having kids, is still a sound sleeper.  It makes me wanna punch him in the kidney!  There have been times when he has offered to wake up w/ the kids so that I can sleep in, but it does not count as "sleeping in" if I have to wake you up to get the baby!!!! 
     It also occurred to me at said realization of exhaustion that I will never sleep sound again.  See the way I figure it, sleeping sound or longer than 5 hours at a time, went out the window when I found out I was pregnant in 2007.  Here's my math to prove my theory:  When the kids are young, you don't sleep because they cry or they're hungry.  As they get a little older, they have to go to school and have a routine.  Then they become preteens and have sleepovers, either at your house or a friend's house.  If it's at your house, they stay up, you stay up.  If it's at a friend's then you're up wondering if they're sneaking out.  Then they become teenagers so you stay up wondering if they're being safe on the roads.  Then they leave home, either for college or to get away from you, so you stay up worrying.  Also, let me point out that around the time they leave the house, is around the time when you have to get up to pee in the middle of the night.  As your children get older, and have their own kids, you have to stop drinking fluids by 6 p.m., or you'll have to get up twice.  Then you're grand kids get older, and you worry about them way more than you worried about your own kids because the world is more unpredictable and you're getting up three times at this point!!!  So yes, readers, sound sleep will not happen for me until I am dead!!!!
  I hope this caused a chuckle for a few of you :)  Stay tuned...

     "You are unique- just like everybody else."

     For as long as I can remember, I've never had a normal life.  Funny thing is is that it was normal for me.  While most kids in my generation are from broken homes, I grew up w/ out a father.  Because my mom had to work a lot, I was partially raised by my grandparents.  And because I ran off almost any guy that showed interest in my mom, my grandfather was my only male role model.   This was my normal and I was okay w/ it.  Then one day, at daycare, a little girl was being picked up by BOTH parents.  Keep in mind I was 4, but this seemed strange to me.  I wasn't a moron- I knew fathers existed; what I didn't realize was that mommies and daddies lived in the same house.  Most of the girls and boys that I played with were from broken homes.
     As the years went on, and I met kids in different situations than mine, I realized a camaraderie between us:  We all thought that our own normal was normal.
     As kids we get put in this world and that's the world we know.  However as we get older we have to adjust our normal with any "curve balls" (Thank you Elizabeth Fowler for such a great phrase- hope you don't mind my using it!) that our thrown our way.  When my mom got cancer I had to learn to grow up and be responsible- sadly, I handled that the wrong way.  But nonetheless, I had to adapt to her being sick as the new normal.
    Time has gone by.  My grandparents are gone.  My mom is cured.  I'm married.  I have kids.  When Graham was 5 weeks old, he got whooping cough.  Which is not normal- so of course he's my kid. lol.  When he was 2, and I was 7 months pregnant w/ Lane, he got gastritis.  As I'm sitting at Vandy, looking at all these different kids w/ different problems, I once again felt this camaraderie with all those parents:  All of us would have liked to be anywhere else than where we were.  Now he has speech delay  I remember the kids' pediatrician telling me that most parents "don't have to deal with the things that you have had to deal with."  This took me aback.  It was like I woke up and realized that I had adapted to this w/ out even thinking twice.  We had always had problems w/ Graham.  I just thought most parents had problems w/ their kids but they didn't talk about it.
     When I talk to most parents, their first child was so amazing that they decided to have another.  Their second one was the devil and- I love this phrase- if they had had the second one first, they would not have had another.  I figured that I had already handled enough w/ Graham so maybe, since it was "normal" for things to go backward in my life, that the second one would be different.  And he was just that.  He slept through the night, he hardly cried, he smiled all the time.  Everything about him was normal- until now.  Six months ago, Lane kept getting sick and getting ear infections.  After 4 months of non-stop sickness, we took him to an ENT.  Again, not a moron, I was aware that he would probably need tubes.  What I didn't realize was that he was hearing impaired for 4 months.  They gave him a hearing test- which he failed.  I cried- a lot. I guess I kinda knew that he couldn't hear all that time, but with his age I just thought he was ignoring me.  Tubes were placed and after a few weeks we could tell that he could hear better.
     At a 4 week check up, his left ear passed but his right ear is only at 70%.  Compared to 0%, I'll take it!  He will need speech therapy.  I knew that was always a possibility.  What I didn't realize is that along w/ the hearing impairment, Lane may have a thyroid problem.  He has lost weight and only grown 3/4" in 9 months.  His thyroid is normal, but his TSH is elevated.  The TSH is working over drive to make his thyroid normal.  Hopefully all he'll need is to take a pill for the rest of his life.  So next month he has to be reevaluated for both. 
     This is my normal.  Sure it's stressful and tough.  But there are a lot of people out there that would give almost anything for my normal.  And then there are some people that I would give almost anything for their normal.  Your normal is YOUR NORMAL.  It's not that it's a wrong or right thing.  It is different for everyone.  We all have a different amount of tolerance for the stuff that's thrown at us.  Best thing about life is that it's not the situation that makes you strong, it's how you handle it.
So this is me.  My life.  My opinion.  This is about my journey to becoming a better woman, daughter, wife, parent, and friend.  I hope you enjoyed and stay tuned...

From Demolition to Reconstruction

     This has been a hard year for me, for us.  And it's only freaking March!!!  Well the year is gonna get harder for me, for us.  My best friend, Ashley June, recently wrote a quote on my facebook wall: "The will of God will not take you where the grace of God cannot protect you."  I have to remember that everyday, at least once a day.

     If you ask people what their biggest fear is, it's probably a fear of heights, spiders, etc.  And people will flip their shit if you try to make them overcome their fear.  It's a horrible thing to watch.  This person is crying, screaming, running, and begging you to make it all go away.  Funny thing about the things you fear: They are the things that also fascinate and educate.  Take sharks for example... fearsome creature and yet people will watch shark week or go to the Aquarium and see them with only a few inches of glass between them!  For some reason, thinking about that reminds me of Deep Blue Sea, so maybe no aquarium for me- lol! A few weeks ago, my biggest fear was recognized.  At this point, I'm going to ask that you have a hanky handy- because it will make you cry...
     Since I was 15, there has been one thing that has scared me so much (other than clowns) that I quiver at the very word: CANCER.  When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.  Now, my mom is the strongest woman I know, but this is a word that my mom can no longer say.  She calls it the "C word."  When she says this, I always revert back to Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort.  "He who must not be named" was called that more than he was called Voldemort!!!!  Here lately, my mom and I have had to talk about the "C word" a lot. 
     Last year, I felt a lump on my breast.  I went to the Dr., got a mammogram, and an ultrasound and was given a clean bill of health! (whew!)  I asked if I could have a BRCA test done.  The Dr. said that it wasn't logical for me to get it just because my mom had it.  But since my mom had already had cancer, she could get it.  When I heard about this test I was very uneducated.  I thought it just gave you a ratio of your chance of cancer in your lifetime.  I even thought it could give you a year when you would get it.  So my mom got the test done.  For a while it was an "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing.  Then one day, my mom called, said she needed to come and talk to me and Nick.  Honestly, the only thing that I could possibly think of that she would want to talk to us about is Graham's daycare.  It amazes me that even though I'm an adult, I still think like a child when it comes to my mom.  She came in and said that she tested positive for BRCA 2.  That did not register at all.
     Imagine, if you will, what it felt like to hear this and all the things that were racing through my head- the only thing I could think of was the day she told me she had cancer.  I was sitting on the couch; she was standing up.  It all happened so fast.  We had just got back from vacation- everything was great.  Shortly after that time my mom had to undergo a radical mastectomy.  She was so weak and in so much pain.  after that, it was radiation, chemo and medication.  I can still remember the day she lost her hair.  It was all in the bathroom trash can.  She cried so hard over it.  To me, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  My mom endured all of that plus an out of control teen.
     I was not the best daughter to her then, but I knew that I was older this time and I was gonna get her through this.  Her oncologist advised her to get a simple mastectomy- IMMEDIATELY.  For every year that a BRCA 2 positive person is cancer free, their risk increases. (This is after their initial battle w/ cancer and then pronounced "cured".)  My grandparents had to hear my mom cry so much more than I realized.  They had to hear her fears of not seeing her daughter grow up.  My grandparents are now gone and it's my turn to hear the fears.  I honestly couldn't tell you which of us felt more helpless- the parent listening to the child's fears or the child listening to the parent's fears.  I have not yet had the displeasure of hearing my children's fears so maybe one day I'll know which one makes me feel more helpless.
     It is hard to be positive when you are so scared and so angry.  I was angry that my mom had to once again fight this demon.  My mom told me that if it wasn't for me feeling that lump and asking the dr. about the test, that she may have actually gotten the cancer again and might not have been able to beat it- she called me her hero.  When they did the mastectomy, they reviewed the tissue and determined that there were no signs of cancer!!!!!  GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST!!!
     I advise all of you to call your moms and tell them how they make you feel.  Spend time with those you love.  Make time to make that phone call just to say hi.  We go through this life thinking that we are immortals and everyone we love and know are the same.  Well, I have news for you:  Cancer does not take the day off.  In the beginning of all this i mentioned that i was uneducated in said fear and I am now pleased to inform you that I have received my masters in BRCA 2.  There is a lot to explain about it but I'll sum it up...
     There are 2 types of cancers: environmental and hereditary.  When you test positive for it, it means that it's hereditary.  So at that point it's not a question of "if" but rather "when?"  My mom will always be so strong to me- even if right now I have to see her weak.  My mom has always had my back and it feels good to finally return the favor. 
So I hope no one cried too hard and I hope you continue to read.  This is just part of my journey to becoming a better woman, daughter, wife, parent, and friend.  Stay tuned....