Where were you???

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

     I had a manager ask me that in an interview once.  The whole time I thought "Well not here!" but never said that.  The reason it stands out so clearly, is because I looked back to when that question was asked.  I started to review the past few years- times and trials, ups and downs, you know: The whole enchilada.  That question was asked 8 years ago.  I'd rather not go back THAT far, but rather: "Where were you 5 years ago?"
     For me, 5 years ago, I was pregnant.  I was scared to death of being a mom.  Morning sickness was awful! (duh)  4 years ago, I was a new mom.  I was about to celebrate his first Halloween. We had endured quite a lot being new parents.  Watching our newborn son have whooping cough was no picnic either.  But by this time 4 years ago, those few months seemed like years!  3 years ago, I was trying to have another baby.  I became very discouraged that we had been trying for 2 months and no dice.  But God lets it happen when it's supposed to.  It was 3 months later that we found out we would be having another child!  This time 2 years ago, we were about to celebrate Lane's first Halloween.  3 months before that time, we were finding out why Graham was having internal bleeding.  Those few months seemed like years as well.
     One year ago, I found a lump on my left breast.  I remember that this day, to Halloween, we were terrified.  Nick and I were barely speaking; not because we were fighting, but because any time we spoke to one another it was about the lump.  I remember we went out one night and all I did the whole time was cry and Nick said "I don't want to think about it.  Because if it comes back as something, this may be the happiest that we are for a while."  I didn't feel happy- thinking of the unknown future.  As it turns out, it was dense breast tissue.
   After that, you know the rest.  But here's a summary:  9 months ago, I found out my mom was BRCA2 positive and that Lane could not hear.  8 months ago, Lane got tubes, my mom was about to have surgery, and I found out that I was BRCA2 positive.  6 months ago, I was interviewing surgeons and fighting w/ our insurance company.  And finally, 3 months ago, I had my surgery.
     Whew!  That's quite a load!  I would've never thought 5 years ago, that I- we- would go through so much.  So here's the question:  Where were you 5 years ago?  Here's the $64,000.00 question:  Are you better for it? 
     Robert Frost poems aside- I am.  I have two beautiful boys that love me like no one ever will (and vise versa).  I have a husband who is my best friend; who has stayed true to his wedding vows word for word.  I have an amazing family and support system because of all of these things that have transpired in the past 5 years.  I have a wonderful relationship w/ God. 
     These defining moments don't define YOU; they mold you.  All these things taught me something about myself.  I hope that all of you are better for it. :) STAY TUNED...

28 days later

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into 4 equal pieces- and then eat only 1 of the pieces."

     It's been 4 weeks since the surgery- wow!  For a great portion of this time I've been incapacitated.  I woke up, and thanked God (and almost every Centennial worker that came within 5 feet of me!).  I talked on the phone, and texted, and facebooked like a completely coherent person.  Don't take it personal, but I remember like zilch of any of that.  The only reason I know this is because Nick has been kind enough to give me the rundown on my actions those first 2 weeks.  Any other knowledge I have of said events is either in my phone or on my Ipod!
     From what I remember of that time is that my husband is awesome!!!  If I've ever worried about that man loving me, it's now an afterthought.  If a man can sit there and tell you that you're even more beautiful than ever, while dumping out your drain tubes, and your hair looks like some sort of "Bride of Frankenstein" 'do, and your eyes are glazed over and you are probably drooling out one side of your mouth- he loves you for keeps!  Sometimes it's hard for me to trust that someone, anyone, could love me for forever and all that that small word entails.  Nonetheless, I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me.
     Also, I have a pretty great support system!  Beyond Nick, there were family, friends and even strangers that offered help and support and prayers.  For that, I am grateful.  People at church that didn't even know me, prayed for me.  People that I don't talk to on a regular basis, prayed for me.  Friends that I haven't seen in years, helped me.  Friends that I talk to sporadically, offered support.  However, there is one little lady that deserves her own paragraph:  Ashley Amann.
     This girl woke up before daylight to be with me; simply because I needed her to pray with me.  She could've stayed home and done it over the phone, but no.  Not many of you may know this but I call her my "hetero-lifemate."  She is the "silent Bob" to my "jay."  She stayed by my side when it mattered.  Not just that day, but every day leading up to that day.  She taught me to have faith.  She offered words of encouragement even if she had no idea that I was having a bad day.  She reminded me daily of God's love.  If it had not been for her, I don't know how I would've gotten through this.  She is a living, breathing angel.  I think her new nickname will have to be "my tiny mustard seed." lol.
     Next, my medical team was/is amazing!  If you ever go through this, I will be happy to recommend these guys! I've never felt more at ease about something and it's because they took the worry out of this equation.
     My strength is slowly returning.  My mind is clearer.  Things are appearing to return to the previous state of normal.  However, this journey is not over.  It will be a few more months of the "waiting game" to have an end result.  And that's okay.  I ask for continued support and prayers for me and my family.  And I thank each and every one of you for all that you have done for us.  God bless and stay tuned...

My Ironic "WTF"

"Even after Tuesday the week says WTF."

     The date has been set since late May.  I've known the day was coming- it was inevitable.  My surgery- my life changing surgery rather- is on Thursday.  There are days that I get scared and angry and frustrated.  There are days that I am at peace w/ all of this.  There are days that I wanna back out, run away and never look back.  There is no running from this.  Talk about facing your fear, right?
     Every Wednesday I think about "my last Wednesday."  The last day that I get to look like me.  I know it sounds shallow and vain, but I can't help but feel sad.  I feel like everyone will look at me like I'm a freak.  Everyone already looks at me me w/ a split-second of pity.  My body has changed over the years.  I gained weight and stretch marks with my children.  I was self conscious  about those changes, yes, but this is different.  This Wednesday will be the last day that I get to feel like me.  I know this all seems stupid.  I think that at times myself.  I mean, for God's sake, there only boobs , right?  But every Wednesday night I cry because I know what the next day will be:  Thursday.
     Every Thursday is a count down of how many more Thursdays I have.  Yesterday was my last one.  I thought I'd feel relieved that I wouldn't have any more Thursdays to count.  I've never been a fan of Thursdays.  A friend died on a Thursday.  My Granny died on a Thursday.  My surgery is on a Thursday.  Ironically 26 is my bad number.  My friend died on the 26th.  My Granny died on the 26th.  My surgery is on the 26th.  Can you see why the day and date would make me a little apprehensive?  I know that seems silly and superstitious, but you can't help but think all these things.  I've not been put under since I was 17.  So that makes me more than a little scared. 
     There is a part of me that has made peace with this decision.  God's will is just that. This has been my greatest fear since I was young.  And I get to face it head on.  However, after this surgery, I don't have to do chemo and radiation.  It's not like how it is for people that actually have cancer.  Mine is a preventative measure.  My family and my friends have been so supportive and helpful.  Nick is holding together for the most part.  Yesterday there was a small stress freakout for him because he realized the day as well. I thought my mom was going to bust at the seams because of the day.  No parent ever wants to see their child suffer.  The only part that scares me is that I'll die on the table.  I know- I'm being ridiculous.  There is something to all of this that makes you realize your own mortality.  It makes you think of all the things you haven't lived to see.  All the places you wanted to go.  All the cheesecakes you have yet to try.  (yep, still spitting humor- you know me- but I'm serious!)  Most importantly, all the things that you thought you had time to say to every person that you love.  But how do you express so much gratitude to those that have been there for the good and the bad?  How do you tell them how much they mean to you?  There is never enough words or enough time for these sentiments.  You always think that you get one more time- and then when they are gone you wish you could say it one more time.  Life is short.  My friend Ashley sends me inspirational quotes almost every day to remind me of my faith and God's love.  My new favorite is "today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."  I worry about my outcome, my family, my children, my friends after this surgery.  I don't want anyone to see me as different.  I don't want this to make me into a black hole.  That's where God's grace comes in.
     Because of all the support that I have I know that I'm not going to be a black hole.  They won't let me and I won't put them through that.  Sometimes I think, "Why me?"  I don't know my divine plan, but I do know that this is to save me and not punish me.  Read Jeremiah 29:11- life changing stuff right there.  I've had the great joy and pleasure of going to church w/ my in-laws.  I've been learning about God's love and how to live better for Him, through Him.  It makes me sad that I will have to miss a few Sundays.  There are so many things that make me angry about this.  But I have resolved myself to think that this is a year out of my life to save my life.  My children are young enough right now that they won't remember their mother going through this.  Not like me and my mom. 
     This is how I spent my last Thursday- busy.  I have a UTI that I had no idea about because I've had my mind on every thing else.  The antibiotic that they put me on makes me tired.  Then I had to go in and get a root canal.  It took 2 hours on one tooth because it was aaaaaaalllllll the way iiiiiinnnn the back aaaaaat the top.  Apparently, I have a small mouth.  Ironic, right?  Hand to God- the dentist said it!  I had to chuckle to myself at hearing this, but only briefly because I had a clamp on my tooth, a brace to hold my mouth open, suction, a drill and the dentist's fingers in my mouth.  By the time it was over and I got home I was ready for bed.  Which brings us to Friday. 
     Today was my last Friday.  See, next Friday I'll be going home.  I'll be sore and uncomfortable.  And I won't have my usual Friday routine for a long time.  Every Friday I go grocery shopping.  I know that sounds like a ridiculous thing to miss, but I enjoy it.  See, after all this, I won't be able to grocery shop for at least 4 weeks.  Starting next Friday, I have to start relying on people to take care of things for me.  Not a comfortable feeling for me.  No one's going to do things around here the way I do, but at least they are getting it done, so beggars can't be choosers.  The funny thing is is that at the top of my "no-no list" is "no housework."  You should've seen my face when they read that to me:  grinning ear to ear.  I even said "So let me get this straight.  I get out of doing housework for 4 weeks if I let you take off my breasts?!?!?! Where do I sign?!"  Everyone laughed- even my mom.  This is something I know will bring us all closer.
  Pretty ironic that the days that are my most taxing are W T F, right?  This one little acronym means so many things for me- unnerving and humorous.  I plan on writing one more of these before my surgery; and quite a few after.  ;)  God bless and stay tuned...

"courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

     Yesterday was a day like any other.  Nick went to work; I stayed home w/ the kids.  I was making dinner when it dawned on me to have an at home date w/ my hubby.  I decided to make popcorn and s'mores and for us to watch a movie.  We put Lane to bed and put a movie on for Graham in the play room.  Nick and I got cozy on the couch and started the process of elimination on movies.  I was scrolling through when one movie caught my eye, a movie I had wanted to see for quite some time, "Courageous."
     Yes, I realize the movie came out last year.  Yes, this was my first time watching it.  No, I do not live under a rock.  I heard everyone rant and rave about this movie.  I had every intention of going to see it, rent it, watch it, but never did.  I now believe that God picked last night for us to watch it.  I knew very little about this movie.  I knew that it dealt w/ fatherhood, but did not realize how impacting it could be.
 "We're watching this one!"
     Nick being the go-with-the-flow guy he is said okay.  Then he says "What's it about?"  "I'm not sure, but I know the people that made "Facing the Giants" made it and it deals w/ fatherhood."
     I had no idea what a roller coaster ride we were in for!  Five minutes in and I was crying!  Together, we watched, laughed, and cried over this amazing movie.  Now I don't know how it affected Nick- I can only tell you how it affected me.
     Being a child that grew up w/out a dad, I could see the statistics of fatherless children to be true.  Luckily, I  had Jim.  (If you don't know this, that's what I called my grandpa.)  So while I had a male figure, it was still hard not having a father.  Unfortunately, I spent more time being depressed that one man wasn't there and not noticing all the wonders that another man did.  Jim was a wonderful example of a great man.  He loved God and his family.  He helped his friends become better men, served his community and church faithfully.  He even helped raise 2 women that were not even his blood.  This man loved me when no other man could.  He saw beyond all flaws and that I was good enough to love.  Even though it was not his job to help raise me, he did so w/ out ever batting an eye lash.  I never wanted for anything because of this man.  He was my first best friend.  He made me a tree house, let me dance on his feet, and never made me feel anything but completely loved.  I could go into such detail of this wonderful man's love for me, but I'm sure no one wants to read 20+ pages of my writing!!!
     I realize that it is not yet Father's day so this may seem premature, but I have a few men to thank.  First, God.  For giving me so many wonderful blessings and unconditional love.  Secondly Jesus' earthly father, Joseph.  For proving that a child does not have to be your blood to love them unconditionally.  Of course Jesus b/c he took on our sins so that we could live and be forgiven.  Next, Jim.  For being the greatest example of what a man should be for God, himself, and his family.  Next, Nick.  For being my light in the darkness.  My saving grace.  My dream come true.  My best friend and soul mate.  A wonderful father and mentor to our boys.  And last but not least, my father-in-law, Dave Lester.  For showing my husband how to be a great man.  And for taking me in as if I were his own daughter.  For loving me and showing me a different perspective of what it takes to be a great man.
     These men are walking talking examples of greatness.  They see beyond the bull shit that life gives at times.  They stand strong in their faith.  They provide more than just food and shelter to their families.  I pray that my sons are the embodiment of these great men.
     If you have never seen "Courageous" I suggest you do.  Not because it's life-changing, but because it is eye opening.  It shows the struggles and responsibilities of being a man.  I can see now why it is so difficult for most to be unable to rise to the challenge.  It is something that you have to give your all.  So thank you great men for making it look so easy because I never realized how hard it is for men to be more than just men.  The greatness that you add to the title of man is just awesome!

                              "WE NEED TO TALK"

     Four little words that signify impending doom.  Any time these words are uttered, I think "oh shit."  Any time I have to say these words, they are followed by a deep swallowing as if to rid them from my mouth.  No one in history likes these words.  Even children know these words mean bad news.  Unfortunately, we need to talk.

     I know, I know.  Perhaps I could've said something else, right?  As most of you know, my mom had to get a preventative mastectomy a few months ago.  And most of you know why.  My mom is BRCA2 positive.  If you don't know what this means, here's a brief synapses:  there are two forms of cancer, hereditary and environmental.  BRCA is an estrogen based hereditary cancer.  BRCA2 deals w/ the 17th chromosome in your DNA.  It's weaker and can't fight off free radicals as well.

     When my mom got cancer, before she broke the news to me, she said "We need to talk."  Being a teenager, and respectful of my mom, I said "oh shit" to myself.  At that time, genetic testing was not something that was practical.  Thank God for technology!  I'm stalling.  I realize this.

     I got tested as well.  I AM ALSO BRCA2 POSITIVE.  Some of you already knew this.  The day I found out was one that I will never forget.  I heard the phone ringing at 8:32 a.m.  It was my Dr.  I knew that if he was calling me personally, this would not be good news.  He confirmed that feeling by telling me my results and referring me to an oncologist.  He assured me that I was going to be okay and "...that we will get through this."  I sprang out of the bed as if possessed.  This was the first time I noticed I was not alone in the room.  My husband, Nick, and my two boys were on the bed w/ me.  I'm not sure when they got there.  Nick tried to grab me and console me, but I felt trapped- like a caged animal looking for an escape.  Good sense got the better of me.  I knew this was not the time for me to flee.  For those of you that don't know, I do not deal w/ stress well and at times have been known to leave and then return hours later.
     I could tell by his voice that Nick would need consoling before I could break free.  I sat back on the bed, gave him a hug, and he proceeded to cry, a lot.  I can't imagine what this must've been like for him.  He always knew that cancer was a possible outcome for me and now we were facing this demon head on.  For the next two hours, so many questions and thoughts ran through my head.  By 11:17 a.m., it was more than I could bear.  I bolted out of the house, got in the car and took off.  I knew exactly where I was going.  My Dr. office up here in White House.  This is a different Dr. than the one that gave me the news.  I was having a panic attack at this point.  They took me back to a room where I waited to unburden myself on this unsuspecting Dr.  It was not the Dr. but the nurse practitioner that received the full force of my panic.  I finally got to the point where I began to hysterically cry.

     I must digress for a moment.  I'm not much of a crier.  Before you roll your eyes, let me explain.  I cry over movies, books, poems, etc.  I cry over a friend's troubles.  I cry over the sweetness of things.  I cry over my children being in pain.  But I never cry openly of my own fears or stresses.  I have no problem crying to myself about these things, but it's very uncomfortable for me to do it in front of others.

     So here I was.  In this little room w/ a complete stranger.  Pouring my heart out about my mom, her test, my test, everything.  I'm not much for medication anymore.  But this was a problem  I knew was going to require something to take down a rhino.  After apologizing continuously to this sweet lady, speaking briefly w/ the Dr., I left the office w/ my prescription in-hand.  At this point, I realized I had a dozen missed calls from Nick.  Knowing that he was worried, I called back and explained the situation.  He understood, but insisted that I never do that to him ever again.  When I got home, I took a sedative and a shower.
     While I was in the shower, my mom had called to see if I got my results yet.  Knowing that my results would upset her, I knew I couldn't tell her until after her surgery.  (Yes, I've kept this in for that long.)  I guess Nick didn't understand my need for discretion.  Nick has great morals about honesty, but this was a situation where evading would have been more opportune.  He told me she called.  I asked if he told her.  He said "yes."  I some how knew that this would happen, but still was not prepared for it.  After freaking out on him for about 5 minutes, I realized that he didn't know how to handle any of this.  Imagine waking up, finding out that your wife will get cancer in the next 10 years, her leaving and not knowing where she is or when she'll come back, and needing someone else to know your fear.
     After consoling him and apologizing for my freak out, I knew the moment was inevitable.  I had to call my mom.  She was at work when she found out.  Not a place to be when you hear news like this.  I called and she was crying, a lot.  She kept apologizing to me over and over for "giving me this."  As if she knew that this was my fate since conception.  After explaining that I was okay, and apologizing for not hearing it from me, I told her that I was going to be very proactive about this and keep her in the loop.  Her surgery was in a week and I knew I had to be upbeat and perky about this to keep her going, and myself.
     We told family and close friends that knew about my test.  I'd like to point out that at this time, I was very angry.  It was so frustrating to hear common every day complaints from women.  I had to eventually realize that their big deal and my big deal were different, but still a big deal.  And I apologize to everyone for being so elusive.  But you honestly have no idea how it feels to have people tell you that your only chance of survival is to have everything gutted and ripped from you that makes you a woman.  Feeling like a shell and then creating one in order to hide your feelings of disgust for all other women.
     Nick and I were planning a trip to the mountains w/ friends.  I did not want to go.  After a great deal of convincing from my better half, we set out on the road for the mountains.  It was nice to get away from our normal.  To simply be together and alone.
     After we got back, anxiety set back in.  I would get depressed every time I had to see a Dr.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I began to feel sorry for myself.  I began to feel sorry for Nick.  He didn't sign on for all of this and that depressed me more.  I started worrying, despite constant assurances from him and others, that he was with me out of loyalty and not love.  I pushed him away.  He is probably the first person ever that I've thought about their greater good than my own.  I would've understood his survival instinct to leave- to not be w/ someone so broken.  Eventually I had to quit talking about it- stop thinking the worst.  I realized that if he was willing to stick w/ me through this, that he must love me a tremendous amount.
     It got easier to talk w/ my friends about their own problems.  There are still days that I get overwhelmed and wish to lie in a fetal position.  But then there are times that I am enormously happy for all of my blessings.

     So there it is.  In black and white.  For all the world to see.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm saying all of this now because I believe in the power of prayer.  And I'm asking for your prayers.  Also, it's okay to ask me questions about all of this.  You don't have to feel like walking on eggshells about this- acknowledge the elephant in the room.  However, I'm not blind nor deaf.  I can see and hear the pity written all over you.  I don't need pity, I need support and love and prayers.  It's okay to have sympathy for the situation, but treat me as you would've before this blog was made.  I'm still the same person now as I was before.  And I apologize again for not bringing this up until now. 
     I will update, when I can, about all of this.  Until then, stay tuned...

"You can sleep when you're dead." 

     I'm gonna get funny on y'all right now.  I am tired; no, wait, EXHAUSTED.  That, too, is probably an understatement.  It occurred to me that said exhaustion has been around since August 31st, of 2007.  Yep that long.  That's when I found out I was pregnant w/ Graham.  First I couldn't sleep because of morning sickness.  Then it was because I had to pee all the time.  Nick told me, then, that if I wanted to wear diapers to bed he'd be okay w/ it.  Okay, first off, EWWWW. Secondly, I would've still woke up in order to choose to pee on myself.  And finally, I would forever be the girl that peed in a diaper. lol.
     Finally, after 21 hours of labor, out came Graham.  He was not a very good sleeper.  After he hit a year he slept through the night, but would go to sleep late and wake up early.  So it was just enough for one REM cycle.  Then I got pregnant w/ Lane and there it went all over again!  When Lane was born, i was already used to lack of sleep much better than I was w/ Graham, so it seemed effortless.  I was still able to have one REM cycle a night.
     What I want, what I really REALLY want, is one of those nothing can wake you sleeps.  The kind where a bomb could go off and you'd never know.  Now, not so much.  Now, a pin could drop in this house and I am wide awake.  Nick, despite having kids, is still a sound sleeper.  It makes me wanna punch him in the kidney!  There have been times when he has offered to wake up w/ the kids so that I can sleep in, but it does not count as "sleeping in" if I have to wake you up to get the baby!!!! 
     It also occurred to me at said realization of exhaustion that I will never sleep sound again.  See the way I figure it, sleeping sound or longer than 5 hours at a time, went out the window when I found out I was pregnant in 2007.  Here's my math to prove my theory:  When the kids are young, you don't sleep because they cry or they're hungry.  As they get a little older, they have to go to school and have a routine.  Then they become preteens and have sleepovers, either at your house or a friend's house.  If it's at your house, they stay up, you stay up.  If it's at a friend's then you're up wondering if they're sneaking out.  Then they become teenagers so you stay up wondering if they're being safe on the roads.  Then they leave home, either for college or to get away from you, so you stay up worrying.  Also, let me point out that around the time they leave the house, is around the time when you have to get up to pee in the middle of the night.  As your children get older, and have their own kids, you have to stop drinking fluids by 6 p.m., or you'll have to get up twice.  Then you're grand kids get older, and you worry about them way more than you worried about your own kids because the world is more unpredictable and you're getting up three times at this point!!!  So yes, readers, sound sleep will not happen for me until I am dead!!!!
  I hope this caused a chuckle for a few of you :)  Stay tuned...

     "You are unique- just like everybody else."

     For as long as I can remember, I've never had a normal life.  Funny thing is is that it was normal for me.  While most kids in my generation are from broken homes, I grew up w/ out a father.  Because my mom had to work a lot, I was partially raised by my grandparents.  And because I ran off almost any guy that showed interest in my mom, my grandfather was my only male role model.   This was my normal and I was okay w/ it.  Then one day, at daycare, a little girl was being picked up by BOTH parents.  Keep in mind I was 4, but this seemed strange to me.  I wasn't a moron- I knew fathers existed; what I didn't realize was that mommies and daddies lived in the same house.  Most of the girls and boys that I played with were from broken homes.
     As the years went on, and I met kids in different situations than mine, I realized a camaraderie between us:  We all thought that our own normal was normal.
     As kids we get put in this world and that's the world we know.  However as we get older we have to adjust our normal with any "curve balls" (Thank you Elizabeth Fowler for such a great phrase- hope you don't mind my using it!) that our thrown our way.  When my mom got cancer I had to learn to grow up and be responsible- sadly, I handled that the wrong way.  But nonetheless, I had to adapt to her being sick as the new normal.
    Time has gone by.  My grandparents are gone.  My mom is cured.  I'm married.  I have kids.  When Graham was 5 weeks old, he got whooping cough.  Which is not normal- so of course he's my kid. lol.  When he was 2, and I was 7 months pregnant w/ Lane, he got gastritis.  As I'm sitting at Vandy, looking at all these different kids w/ different problems, I once again felt this camaraderie with all those parents:  All of us would have liked to be anywhere else than where we were.  Now he has speech delay  I remember the kids' pediatrician telling me that most parents "don't have to deal with the things that you have had to deal with."  This took me aback.  It was like I woke up and realized that I had adapted to this w/ out even thinking twice.  We had always had problems w/ Graham.  I just thought most parents had problems w/ their kids but they didn't talk about it.
     When I talk to most parents, their first child was so amazing that they decided to have another.  Their second one was the devil and- I love this phrase- if they had had the second one first, they would not have had another.  I figured that I had already handled enough w/ Graham so maybe, since it was "normal" for things to go backward in my life, that the second one would be different.  And he was just that.  He slept through the night, he hardly cried, he smiled all the time.  Everything about him was normal- until now.  Six months ago, Lane kept getting sick and getting ear infections.  After 4 months of non-stop sickness, we took him to an ENT.  Again, not a moron, I was aware that he would probably need tubes.  What I didn't realize was that he was hearing impaired for 4 months.  They gave him a hearing test- which he failed.  I cried- a lot. I guess I kinda knew that he couldn't hear all that time, but with his age I just thought he was ignoring me.  Tubes were placed and after a few weeks we could tell that he could hear better.
     At a 4 week check up, his left ear passed but his right ear is only at 70%.  Compared to 0%, I'll take it!  He will need speech therapy.  I knew that was always a possibility.  What I didn't realize is that along w/ the hearing impairment, Lane may have a thyroid problem.  He has lost weight and only grown 3/4" in 9 months.  His thyroid is normal, but his TSH is elevated.  The TSH is working over drive to make his thyroid normal.  Hopefully all he'll need is to take a pill for the rest of his life.  So next month he has to be reevaluated for both. 
     This is my normal.  Sure it's stressful and tough.  But there are a lot of people out there that would give almost anything for my normal.  And then there are some people that I would give almost anything for their normal.  Your normal is YOUR NORMAL.  It's not that it's a wrong or right thing.  It is different for everyone.  We all have a different amount of tolerance for the stuff that's thrown at us.  Best thing about life is that it's not the situation that makes you strong, it's how you handle it.
So this is me.  My life.  My opinion.  This is about my journey to becoming a better woman, daughter, wife, parent, and friend.  I hope you enjoyed and stay tuned...