"Even after Tuesday the week says WTF."The date has been set since late May. I've known the day was coming- it was inevitable. My surgery- my life changing surgery rather- is on Thursday. There are days that I get scared and angry and frustrated. There are days that I am at peace w/ all of this. There are days that I wanna back out, run away and never look back. There is no running from this. Talk about facing your fear, right?
Every Wednesday I think about "my last Wednesday." The last day that I get to look like me. I know it sounds shallow and vain, but I can't help but feel sad. I feel like everyone will look at me like I'm a freak. Everyone already looks at me me w/ a split-second of pity. My body has changed over the years. I gained weight and stretch marks with my children. I was self conscious about those changes, yes, but this is different. This Wednesday will be the last day that I get to feel like me. I know this all seems stupid. I think that at times myself. I mean, for God's sake, there only boobs , right? But every Wednesday night I cry because I know what the next day will be: Thursday.
Every Thursday is a count down of how many more Thursdays I have. Yesterday was my last one. I thought I'd feel relieved that I wouldn't have any more Thursdays to count. I've never been a fan of Thursdays. A friend died on a Thursday. My Granny died on a Thursday. My surgery is on a Thursday. Ironically 26 is my bad number. My friend died on the 26th. My Granny died on the 26th. My surgery is on the 26th. Can you see why the day and date would make me a little apprehensive? I know that seems silly and superstitious, but you can't help but think all these things. I've not been put under since I was 17. So that makes me more than a little scared.
There is a part of me that has made peace with this decision. God's will is just that. This has been my greatest fear since I was young. And I get to face it head on. However, after this surgery, I don't have to do chemo and radiation. It's not like how it is for people that actually have cancer. Mine is a preventative measure. My family and my friends have been so supportive and helpful. Nick is holding together for the most part. Yesterday there was a small stress freakout for him because he realized the day as well. I thought my mom was going to bust at the seams because of the day. No parent ever wants to see their child suffer. The only part that scares me is that I'll die on the table. I know- I'm being ridiculous. There is something to all of this that makes you realize your own mortality. It makes you think of all the things you haven't lived to see. All the places you wanted to go. All the cheesecakes you have yet to try. (yep, still spitting humor- you know me- but I'm serious!) Most importantly, all the things that you thought you had time to say to every person that you love. But how do you express so much gratitude to those that have been there for the good and the bad? How do you tell them how much they mean to you? There is never enough words or enough time for these sentiments. You always think that you get one more time- and then when they are gone you wish you could say it one more time. Life is short. My friend Ashley sends me inspirational quotes almost every day to remind me of my faith and God's love. My new favorite is "today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I worry about my outcome, my family, my children, my friends after this surgery. I don't want anyone to see me as different. I don't want this to make me into a black hole. That's where God's grace comes in.
Because of all the support that I have I know that I'm not going to be a black hole. They won't let me and I won't put them through that. Sometimes I think, "Why me?" I don't know my divine plan, but I do know that this is to save me and not punish me. Read Jeremiah 29:11- life changing stuff right there. I've had the great joy and pleasure of going to church w/ my in-laws. I've been learning about God's love and how to live better for Him, through Him. It makes me sad that I will have to miss a few Sundays. There are so many things that make me angry about this. But I have resolved myself to think that this is a year out of my life to save my life. My children are young enough right now that they won't remember their mother going through this. Not like me and my mom.
This is how I spent my last Thursday- busy. I have a UTI that I had no idea about because I've had my mind on every thing else. The antibiotic that they put me on makes me tired. Then I had to go in and get a root canal. It took 2 hours on one tooth because it was aaaaaaalllllll the way iiiiiinnnn the back aaaaaat the top. Apparently, I have a small mouth. Ironic, right? Hand to God- the dentist said it! I had to chuckle to myself at hearing this, but only briefly because I had a clamp on my tooth, a brace to hold my mouth open, suction, a drill and the dentist's fingers in my mouth. By the time it was over and I got home I was ready for bed. Which brings us to Friday.
Today was my last Friday. See, next Friday I'll be going home. I'll be sore and uncomfortable. And I won't have my usual Friday routine for a long time. Every Friday I go grocery shopping. I know that sounds like a ridiculous thing to miss, but I enjoy it. See, after all this, I won't be able to grocery shop for at least 4 weeks. Starting next Friday, I have to start relying on people to take care of things for me. Not a comfortable feeling for me. No one's going to do things around here the way I do, but at least they are getting it done, so beggars can't be choosers. The funny thing is is that at the top of my "no-no list" is "no housework." You should've seen my face when they read that to me: grinning ear to ear. I even said "So let me get this straight. I get out of doing housework for 4 weeks if I let you take off my breasts?!?!?! Where do I sign?!" Everyone laughed- even my mom. This is something I know will bring us all closer.
Pretty ironic that the days that are my most taxing are W T F, right? This one little acronym means so many things for me- unnerving and humorous. I plan on writing one more of these before my surgery; and quite a few after. ;) God bless and stay tuned...
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